rediscovering

I am a lover of the arts. i paint, design, do photography, sing, dance and write to my heart's content. but the the past couple of years, while juggling time between work, school, family and friends, i seem to have let go of that. now i am lost in a jungle of deadlines, meetings and errands. now it seems that i have lost myself as well.

i attended a workshop a few months back called "creative for life" by Filipino artist, jim paredes. there, i learned to go back to the things i really wanted and valued. there i was more myself again.

and so here, i will try to revive the artistic spirit within. through writing and photography. and who knows, even thru art. we all need to go back to what makes us happy to stay sane in this crazy world.

tonight, i write:)

revival

I have been remiss in my commitment, I know. Though I haven’t really stopped writing. Maybe some personal battles are better left to private journals than published for all to see.

Yes, I have been to some form of hell and back. And that experience has consumed most of my recent ramblings. This morning though, I’ve finally made that conscious decision to pull myself out of that vicious cycle and get back to things that make me come alive, like writing.

I’d like to think of posting here as a jump-start to my day. Though I might not be able to do it regularly, it will be like starting the flow of creative (?) juices, especially when I actually have to turn in some form of writing.

So, I’m back, for the nth time, and hopefully for good.

a commitment

I was flipping through the channels last night and came upon Daphne Oseña’s program on ANC which was featuring famous Filipino bloggers.

I’ve posted a few blogs in my day, but it was just somewhat like therapy for me --- a forum where I could vent out my frustrations or share my elation to an anonymous (and probably non-existent) audience.

This got me thinking. I started to scan the web for interesting blogs and discovered a whole ecosystem of bloggers out there. Everything from politics, fashion, bags and even dessert!

And so today I resolve to revive my blogging days. Hopefully I can post at least one entry a week --- on things I am passionate about, on interesting discoveries, or probably just about anything under the sun that tickles my fancy.

By profession, I am a writer (well, at least my job description says so), but I’m a terribly lazy one. Without some stroke of inspiration, I’d be staring at an empty computer screen for hours despite my ticking deadline.

Which is one of the selfish reasons for creating this blog. With a bit of luck, if I’m religious with this vocation, I will overcome the constant writer’s block. Like they say, practice makes perfect.

So indulge me if I babble on to much. I’m sure I’ll have a point somewhere; I might just not know how to word it.

Rainbows & Mondays

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what’s on the other side?

I saw a rainbow on my way to work today --- a perfectly shaped arc with all its pretty colors shining in the morning sunlight --- and I couldn’t help but smile.

It’s been a long while since I last saw one. I think that was way back during my elementary years. The days when we would run to the soccer field after the 3 o’clock dismissal bell and spend hours stretched out in the bed of grass, watching fireflies light up the sky as day turned into night.

Those were the days when we had no cares at all. When all you had to worry about was your social studies homework or the blisters on your hand from playing too long on the monkey bars.

I miss those days.

Today, in the midst of all the traffic and deadlines and busy schedules, we can barely take a breather to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer like a quiet sunset, catching up with old friends, or early morning rainbows.

I guess that’s what made my early morning rainbow so special. These past few days, I am finally able to slack off a bit with the our big event at work over with, and semestral break from school.

This morning, even the light drizzle on the road ahead and fact that it is a Monday didn’t get me down. Here’s to hoping we can all take time out every now and then and rediscover that child-like wonder…

Someday we’ll find it
the rainbow connection
the lovers, the dreamers and me …

retraction

suddenly the article i’m writing, which i was actually excited to finish, doesn’t seem so interesting anymore. suddenly dark clouds seem to take over the sky which was so optimistically blue earlier. suddenly i’m not so okay as i thought i was …

it was just over an hour ago that i posted that i was finally coming to terms with this issue which has been weighing me down like a boulder. then i come across something that suddenly crashes over my head, breaks down the dam which i thought i had slowly but firmly built, and lets all hell break loose in my head.

it was there. all the proof i needed. in black and white. every word of that short phrase stung so bad, my eyes clouded over. but perhaps the saddest part about is that there’s no taking back or turning back.

oh, and that thing i said earlier that i don’t feel a thing anymore? screw that. i am human after all, and no matter how many times i tell myself that it doesn’t matter anymore, it actually does.

but if there’s one thing i’ve learned from all this, it’s that you actually have to ride the emotion to get through it. you can’t deny or keep it all bottled up, lest it boils over and becomes a bigger problem in the long run. like labor contractions or a rainstorm, the only way to get over them is to live through them.

and that is how i know i will be fine and that i will be stronger when i get through this. just give me time …

okay, this isn't exactly a blog, but i came across this song yesterday and i just thought i'd like to put it up. i particularly like the last lines ...

could've been
The flowers you gave meAre just about to die
When I think about
What could’ve been
It makes me want to cry

The sweet words you whispered
Didn’t mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
Could’ve been my lover
Every day of my life
Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
I’ll never hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night

The mem'ries of our lovin’
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
They stay with me everywhere

Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could’ve been is better than
What could never be at all

Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
Could’ve been my lover
Every day of my life
Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
I’ll never hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night

How could I hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night?

safely on shore again ...

should i be happy? i’m listening to a familiar tune now, and i realize --- i don’t feel a thing anymore. sure, there’s that tiny tug that pulls at your heart. but it’s negligible. i can easily tune it out with a wave of my hand.

is this what i want? gone is the confusion. gone is the roller-coaster of emotions. but now i just feel … raw of any emotion. nothing. and i should be happy. this is what i wanted: to finally get it out of my system. but then again --- is this what it all ends up to?

yesterday, i stayed home from work and school and had some time in my hands to think things over (by the way, dangerous thing it is to leave me with my thoughts). and i actually realized the wisdom to the old adage, “what doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger.”

i’d like to think i learned a lot from all this: when to hold on, when to let go, when not to get in over your head, and that you actually have to give some to get some.

so i guess i should be proud of myself. sure, i’m in some state of limbo right now, but this is so much more comfortable than the uncertainty of the past few months. for now, i’d rather pass up on the romanticism of swimming in a strange sea and keep my feet safe and dry on land.

writer's block

blank. today, it seems that my mind has suddenly decided to go blank. i’ve been staring at a blank page of my pc for the entire afternoon now, and i can’t even seem to fish a single coherent string of words from my brain.

i’m not that surprised though. this has been going on a lot lately. fresh ideas, especially when i have to write for work, have become few and hard to come by. maybe i’ve just exhausted the last of my creative juices. maybe i am once again on the downside of my depression cycle. maybe i’m just bored.

and today is another one of those days. i’m feeling embarrassingly lethargic, i wish i just stayed home with the tv and a bowl of cheese balls.

why is this happening? it’s not like i’ve always wanted to be a writer --- hell, i even resisted the idea at first. if you told me 10 years ago that i’d end up as a writer, i’d have laughed at your face. but today, this is what defines me. at least at the workplace. and now, i am becoming … well, inefficient. those days when a terrible block hits me, i just stare off into space, being totally useless.

this is not doing me any good, especially when i have my deadlines to answer for. and i hate it when i turn in mediocre, uninspired work when pressed cornered by time.

this has got to stop. if not for my sense of self, at least for my sanity. but how? what is it that i want? what is to become of me? again, i throw this question out into the cosmic void. if anyone has the answer, this anguished soul would be eternally grateful…

i'd dunnit

I’ve finally dunnit. It wasn’t as up-front about what I wanted to say, in fact, it was quite melo-dramatic. But I think I got the point through. At least I thought I did.

After a couple of years of being “not-here-neither-there” with this person. I finally decided I’ve had it. Why you may ask? Maybe it was getting old. Maybe I was stuck in a rut and wanted to move on. Maybe I was starting to fall …

Yes, I admit I found myself getting too attached to something which just started out as being fun. But after a while, you realize that emotions usually run their own course whether you like it or not. And after years of calculated risks and guarded hearts, I had gone too far this time. It had become a roller-coaster of emotions --- the seeming bliss is blown away when you stop to think and realize that you actually don’t know where you stand. And so it had come to this: a decision had to be made on whether to accelerate or to slam on the brakes, and it had to be made now, before someone gets hurt.

So last night, after a pleasant but uneventful movie, I found myself staring blankly at a half-eaten pizza on my plate wondering if this is what I wanted. “NO!!!” I wanted to scream at him from across the dining booth. I wanted more. I wanted it all --- the romance, the sleepless nights, the endless phone calls, the reassuring hugs at the end of the day, and yes, even the heartbreak. It was all or nothing. And if it ain’t happening anytime soon, it was timew to fade away, lest it be harder to let go later.

Later that night, while reviweing partition, escheats and adoption, and after a long consultation with my personal shrink, I finally told him --- in the most cowardly of ways, through a text message. I said I couldn’t take it anymore. That we shouldn’t see, talk of text each other the way we do. That I really enjoyed the time we spnd together, but the problem is, I think I’m enjoying it too much. Maybe we want different things, and that it would be better if we stayed away for a while.

Was it the right thing to do? Was it the fair thing to do? For him, I wouldn’t know. He hasn’t gotten back to me since that message. All I do know is that I haven’t felt this torn in a very long time …