i'd dunnit

I’ve finally dunnit. It wasn’t as up-front about what I wanted to say, in fact, it was quite melo-dramatic. But I think I got the point through. At least I thought I did.

After a couple of years of being “not-here-neither-there” with this person. I finally decided I’ve had it. Why you may ask? Maybe it was getting old. Maybe I was stuck in a rut and wanted to move on. Maybe I was starting to fall …

Yes, I admit I found myself getting too attached to something which just started out as being fun. But after a while, you realize that emotions usually run their own course whether you like it or not. And after years of calculated risks and guarded hearts, I had gone too far this time. It had become a roller-coaster of emotions --- the seeming bliss is blown away when you stop to think and realize that you actually don’t know where you stand. And so it had come to this: a decision had to be made on whether to accelerate or to slam on the brakes, and it had to be made now, before someone gets hurt.

So last night, after a pleasant but uneventful movie, I found myself staring blankly at a half-eaten pizza on my plate wondering if this is what I wanted. “NO!!!” I wanted to scream at him from across the dining booth. I wanted more. I wanted it all --- the romance, the sleepless nights, the endless phone calls, the reassuring hugs at the end of the day, and yes, even the heartbreak. It was all or nothing. And if it ain’t happening anytime soon, it was timew to fade away, lest it be harder to let go later.

Later that night, while reviweing partition, escheats and adoption, and after a long consultation with my personal shrink, I finally told him --- in the most cowardly of ways, through a text message. I said I couldn’t take it anymore. That we shouldn’t see, talk of text each other the way we do. That I really enjoyed the time we spnd together, but the problem is, I think I’m enjoying it too much. Maybe we want different things, and that it would be better if we stayed away for a while.

Was it the right thing to do? Was it the fair thing to do? For him, I wouldn’t know. He hasn’t gotten back to me since that message. All I do know is that I haven’t felt this torn in a very long time …