retraction

suddenly the article i’m writing, which i was actually excited to finish, doesn’t seem so interesting anymore. suddenly dark clouds seem to take over the sky which was so optimistically blue earlier. suddenly i’m not so okay as i thought i was …

it was just over an hour ago that i posted that i was finally coming to terms with this issue which has been weighing me down like a boulder. then i come across something that suddenly crashes over my head, breaks down the dam which i thought i had slowly but firmly built, and lets all hell break loose in my head.

it was there. all the proof i needed. in black and white. every word of that short phrase stung so bad, my eyes clouded over. but perhaps the saddest part about is that there’s no taking back or turning back.

oh, and that thing i said earlier that i don’t feel a thing anymore? screw that. i am human after all, and no matter how many times i tell myself that it doesn’t matter anymore, it actually does.

but if there’s one thing i’ve learned from all this, it’s that you actually have to ride the emotion to get through it. you can’t deny or keep it all bottled up, lest it boils over and becomes a bigger problem in the long run. like labor contractions or a rainstorm, the only way to get over them is to live through them.

and that is how i know i will be fine and that i will be stronger when i get through this. just give me time …

okay, this isn't exactly a blog, but i came across this song yesterday and i just thought i'd like to put it up. i particularly like the last lines ...

could've been
The flowers you gave meAre just about to die
When I think about
What could’ve been
It makes me want to cry

The sweet words you whispered
Didn’t mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
Could’ve been my lover
Every day of my life
Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
I’ll never hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night

The mem'ries of our lovin’
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
They stay with me everywhere

Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could’ve been is better than
What could never be at all

Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
Could’ve been my lover
Every day of my life
Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
I’ll never hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night

How could I hold what could’ve been
On a cold and lonely night?

safely on shore again ...

should i be happy? i’m listening to a familiar tune now, and i realize --- i don’t feel a thing anymore. sure, there’s that tiny tug that pulls at your heart. but it’s negligible. i can easily tune it out with a wave of my hand.

is this what i want? gone is the confusion. gone is the roller-coaster of emotions. but now i just feel … raw of any emotion. nothing. and i should be happy. this is what i wanted: to finally get it out of my system. but then again --- is this what it all ends up to?

yesterday, i stayed home from work and school and had some time in my hands to think things over (by the way, dangerous thing it is to leave me with my thoughts). and i actually realized the wisdom to the old adage, “what doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger.”

i’d like to think i learned a lot from all this: when to hold on, when to let go, when not to get in over your head, and that you actually have to give some to get some.

so i guess i should be proud of myself. sure, i’m in some state of limbo right now, but this is so much more comfortable than the uncertainty of the past few months. for now, i’d rather pass up on the romanticism of swimming in a strange sea and keep my feet safe and dry on land.